Thursday, December 21, 2006

My mayo rides the short bus

I’ve recently made an odd discovery. My No-Fat Giant-Brand Mayonnaise glows in the dark.

How do you know this, you ask? While opening and closing the fridge I’ve noticed that the stuff gives of its own pasty white glow that makes it stand out from the rest of the contents of my fridge. Normal mayo is more of a cream color. No-fat mayo shines so white it must have polonium in it. Of course the Kremlin denies having anything to do with my no-fat mayo.

Sigh. This is what I get for stocking my fridge with no fat, health foods-“special” foods if you will. While the fridge is closed, I bet my roommates’ foods all sit and make fun of my food.

Poor health foods, they sure do try hard to be normal. It’s not their fault they were made this way. I mean, come on, no-fat mayo, low-calorie burritos, and Lean Cuisine microwave dinners are food too! They may be missing a carb or two, but they’re still good meals. They may have their own “special” isle in the grocery store, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

One day we’ll live in a world where all foods will be created equal, where low-fat foods will taste and look exactly like their high-fat counterparts. Until that day though, I think I’ll leave my glowing mayonnaise in the fridge, instead of putting it into my stomach.

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