Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Lou Dobbs, bringing companies closer together since 1945

The drumming-I never know when it will start and when it will stop. To combat this, I have been trying to spend as little time at my house as possible before the 10pm cutoff time for drumming.

This has been good in some ways. It has given me extra motivation to hit the gym after work. An hour and a half working out is an hour and a half I am not spending pulling my hair out at home.

I go to a gym on the ground floor of my office building (small, but free!). In the past few weeks, more than a few times, I’ve found myself working out with one of my bosses. This has been interesting. She and I don’t really socialize while at work, but at the gym we have a common bond.

Would that common bond be running, you ask? Lifting weights? The fact that you both have matching gym shorts?

The answer to your three questions: No, no, and where the fuck is your mind?

No, we bond easily over our shared hatred of Lou Dobbs, and sometimes Wolf Blitzer and The Situation Room. You see, there’s one television in the gym, and being that this is DC, by law it must be tuned to a 24-hour news station, preferably CNN. If you do have the audacity to change it to Fox News, be ready, Moveon.org has spies in the gym that will produce and air an attack ad directed at you within 10 minutes of changing the channel.

Anyways, back to Wolf and Lou. I don’t really dislike Wolf as much as she does, but we have definitely found the common ground in hating on ol’ Lou. The guy makes it so easy. Every night, he covers three topics, “Illegal immigration,” “The War on the Middle Class,” and five minutes devoted to Iraq.

If you strike me down I shall become more
powerful than you can possibly imagine.

The first two topics are golden. Watch as Lou Dobbs gets angry and engages in “reporting”, with comments such as “The President, Congress and all illegal aliens should be ashamed of themselves for trampling on the laws of the land” or “This is an outrage, what the heck is wrong with Big Business?” or “Don’t test me Christiane Amanpour, you’re making me angry…you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

Oh how we laugh at ol’ Lou. Haha, objective reporting, haha look at the blood vessel burst on his forehead. Ohh, good times…good times.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Salmon in a Pouch

For various reasons I haven’t posted as much lately. I may not be posting at all after tonight.

This is what I ate for dinner tonight.

Yes ladies and gentleman, this is a picture of the rarely seen Salmon in a Pouch. Rarely spotted outside its natural saltwater habitat, salmon occasionally migrates into plastic pouches, which then make their way into the homes of cheap bachelors across the United States.

Oh, by the way, I had the lemon and dill type. And it looked nothing like that picture. Here is what it really looked like.

I’ve never had fish that was quite this hard…and chewy…and tasting nothing like fish. The lemon-dill water mixture that it came in did little to kill the taste.

I know what your thinking.

What the hell is that yellow gunk next to the “fish”?

That would be tartar sauce.

Well wait, isn’t tartar sauce supposed to be white? That must be the lighting in your photo that is making the tartar sauce appear yellow.

Nope, that’s the color of the tartar sauce. Apparently it’d been sitting in my fridge for longer than I thought. I didn’t really notice its mustard like color until after I’d already eaten half of the fish and tartar sauce.

Oh, well good, it wasn’t intentional. Surely after realizing the fish was terrible and that the tartar sauce was rancid you stopp-

Oh SHIT! No you didn’t?!

I even finished my meal off was some leftover pancakes and some low-fat brownies.

Dude, your stomach must feel like a molotov cocktail just went off inside.


Monday, April 16, 2007

Virginia Tech

When you think back on your Monday, was it really so bad? Was the boss nagging at you the end of the world? Was your pain-in-the-ass roommate really worth getting mad over? Were any of life’s little problems significant at all?

My thoughts go out to all those dealing with the tragedy at Virginia Tech.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Dennis Kucinich is an American Hero (and a player!)

Dennis Kucinich is one sneaky son-of-a-bitch. At some point in the last three years not only did he enter the Presidential race without anyone knowing (or caring for that matter), but he also got married. Now I know what you’re thinking. “So what?” “Good for him” and “So he found someone his age to settle down with.”

NO ma’am! Dennis Kucinich robbed the cradle and married Elizabeth Harper, a HOTIE, 31 years his junior. Let me provide some visual examples in case it hasn’t sunk in yet:

This guy

Got married to this gal

Now I don’t want to seem unfair and harp on the physical differences, as I realize I’m no Fabio, but looks aside, she married one of the most batshit insane politicians in the US. This guy wants to create a Department of Peace for crying out loud. Bombs and bullets would be replaced with care bears and kittens. Save me.

Want to know the craziest part? She seems just like him, and the story of how they met is cheesier than a plate of nachos with extra cheese. I present to you, How Kucinich Found Love.

I encourage you to read the article, as there are some real gems in there. Like how within an hour of meeting Harper, Kucinich called Mimi Kennedy, better known as Darma’s mother on “Darma and Greg,” to tell her that Harper was the one. Oookkk, kind of odd, but maybe this type of thing happens in political/Hollywood circles. I mean, I bet Dick Cheney calls up Charlton Heston every time he shoots someone in the face.

And how can you not love lines like this:

That Sunday, driving out of Santa Fe with her boss, Elizabeth looked down at the ring she had bought in Arizona. For the first time, she noticed how the stone was inlaid in silver.

The design of the silver was two capital Ks, back to back.

Or this:

In the reception area, she saw a visiting nun in white robes. In his inner office sat a shelf bearing an illustration depicting "light consciousness" and a bust of Gandhi. She studied the lean and intense congressman and felt an attraction.

One day when I’m old, insane and running for political office, I only hope that I can meet someone like Harper. Oh, there will be plenty of big-breasted, platinum blond, gold diggers to choose from, but I can already tell you that what I’ll really want is a young, redheaded beauty…with a passion for crazy.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Get Fit or Die Trying: I Ain’t Dead Yet Suckas

Those of you within the vicinity of K Street yesterday may have heard an odd noise. The sound was less elephant giving birth and more porn star with laryngitis: “Oh god, oh god. You can do it. Come on, come on. Just five more minutes. Oh god.” Yes my friends, I was trying to run, yet again.

As mentioned before, I’m attempting to “Get fit or die trying,” all before my best friend’s wedding over Memorial Day weekend. Doing this has involved incredible feats of self-restraint and physical prowess. It has required me to do completely unnatural things, like lift weights and run. It’s sad to say, but sounding like a porn star with laryngitis when I run is actually a step up from the animal sounds that I made when I first started running.

To answer the question foremost on your mind, I am still alive; the workout routine has not killed me yet. I am comforted by the fact that if I were to die while running (which is entirely possible), that View from Dupont has already agreed to guest blog on this site with a more heroic sounding ending for me. Instead of telling you that I expired while attempting to chase down the taco truck (Yes, such a thing does exist, think ice cream truck, only with delicious gringofied Mexican entrees. Oh the day I catch you taco truck, oh the day…), View from Dupont would weave a heroic tale of me dying while saving the earth from disaster. She has been instructed to rip off Jerry Bruckheimer liberally, which means I will likely die saving the world from asteroids, or pirates, or ninjas, or maybe asteroids, pirates, and ninjas.

Anyways, back to the sweaty subject at hand. “Get fit or die trying” has gone well so far, but I’m still a way away from the goal I set for myself. If I have to, I will turn to crazy ideas like taking crack, or jumping the fence at the National Zoo and trying to outrun the tigers (nothing like fear to get the old heart pumping!) in order to burn the additional pounds off.

Overall though, I am happy with the results so far. A pair of jeans that a few months ago used to fit snugly now requires a belt to stay up. A pair of shorts that last summer I had to perform various Houdini like contortions to get into, now fits perfectly again. When I show up at the wedding a month and a half from now, I plan to confidently stroll into the church in my newly refitted tux. A few hours later at the reception, I will confidently stroll onto the dance floor, and then proceed to destroy my reputation by attempting to “get down.” Oh, I cannot wait!

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

A Few Days Late-Blogger Happy Hour Recap

I somehow got in on a conversation that was going nowhere with my friend Dan, and Lemon Gloria, about Will Ferrell movies. Dan and I weren’t really succeeding in convincing her that Will Ferrell was the best thing since sliced bread, and I started looking for a way to change the topic. In order to prove some point about being able to enjoy non-intelligent movies, I made the grave mistake of switching the topic to the movie 300. Ohh, ball four, and Across the River walks Lemon Gloria.

As she walked away I turned in exasperation to Dan and exclaimed “THIS IS MADNESS!”

“Madness?” he said and paused before his voice changed to a deep growl and he yelled “THIS…IS… BLOGGER… HAPPY…HOUR!” He then proceeded to kick me into a deep, dark hole that conveniently happened to be right behind me.

Of course, if you believe those last two paragraphs, I have some Nigerian friends who would love to talk with you about an unclaimed inheritance.

I had a blast at the blogger happy hour last Thursday. It was really nice to meet I66, who was very chill and was hosting his second to last happy hour. It was also a pleasure to finally meet The Home Improvement Ninja. Anyone who could kill you in your sleep, pick a stock portfolio for you, and renovate your house, all at the same time, deserves some respect.

I met a host of other bloggers including, I Now Pronounce You, Lemon Gloria (I’m just kidding on the above, please don’t nominate me for ‘Most annoying asshole that I ever met at a blogger happy hour’ on Best DC Blogs), Dagny Taggart, and a slew of others that I’m forgetting.

I’m apparently becoming more of a regular with these things, because I’d say about 3/4 of the people I’d already met. I think I’ve done a decent job flattering ya’ll in the past with my previous happy hour recaps, so you’ll forgive me if don’t mention ya’ll this time. ;)