Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Salmon in a Pouch

For various reasons I haven’t posted as much lately. I may not be posting at all after tonight.

This is what I ate for dinner tonight.

Yes ladies and gentleman, this is a picture of the rarely seen Salmon in a Pouch. Rarely spotted outside its natural saltwater habitat, salmon occasionally migrates into plastic pouches, which then make their way into the homes of cheap bachelors across the United States.

Oh, by the way, I had the lemon and dill type. And it looked nothing like that picture. Here is what it really looked like.

I’ve never had fish that was quite this hard…and chewy…and tasting nothing like fish. The lemon-dill water mixture that it came in did little to kill the taste.

I know what your thinking.

What the hell is that yellow gunk next to the “fish”?

That would be tartar sauce.

Well wait, isn’t tartar sauce supposed to be white? That must be the lighting in your photo that is making the tartar sauce appear yellow.

Nope, that’s the color of the tartar sauce. Apparently it’d been sitting in my fridge for longer than I thought. I didn’t really notice its mustard like color until after I’d already eaten half of the fish and tartar sauce.

Oh, well good, it wasn’t intentional. Surely after realizing the fish was terrible and that the tartar sauce was rancid you stopp-

Oh SHIT! No you didn’t?!

I even finished my meal off was some leftover pancakes and some low-fat brownies.

Dude, your stomach must feel like a molotov cocktail just went off inside.



Anonymous said...

That's disgusting. Totally eat like chicken nuggets or something if you're low on cash. Ugh.

Across The River said...

I normally eat much better than that. However, I'll try everything once (well, almost everything). Plus, it was free.

Anonymous said...

If you don't die, it'll make you stronger. It may possibly give you super powers. The immune system always needs practice but that mighta been too much.

It's akin to the two month old milk and three month old eggs that occasionally grace my fridge. (Organic food seems to last forever.) Expiration dates are determined by me, not the date printed on them. However that shit was DEFINITELY gone.

I'm a veteran expired food consumer. My mother always used to leave stuff outta the fridge or just let stuff evolve into sentient beings before cooking it. Just shave off the fuzzy green parts and it's all good.

If you do die, will away stuff that you don't own... Preferably to me. Like Dr. Dremo's. That's prime real estate.

Across The River said...

Pele: I think you may be right, I can already feel myself getting stronger.
And don't worry, not only do I have you down in my will for Dr. Dremos, but you'll be the proud owner of the Washington Monument if I ever do die.

Patricia said...

I'm sorry...what's this about you maybe not posting anymore? Well...that'd be no fun.

Good to see you're still alive. :)

Across The River said...

Patricia: The no posting part would have been if the salmon and tartar sauce had in fact killed me. I live to blog another day!

Patricia said...

Wonderful! That's what I thought but who knows...maybe you just got too cool for the scene.

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